


Change Your Ways

by Kihyunie



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, M/M, bit of pining, this is just really soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-09
Updated: 2018-06-09
Packaged: 2019-05-19 17:51:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14878475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kihyunie/pseuds/Kihyunie
Summary: Jaemin stands in front of the door, breathing in, breathing out. The manager puts a hand on his shoulder and then leaves him behind with an encouraging smile.This is it. This is moving back in.(aka Jaemin is back from hiatus and realises just how much has changed.)





	Change Your Ways

Jaemin stands in front of the door, breathing in, breathing out. The manager puts a hand on his shoulder and then leaves him behind with an encouraging smile.

This is it. This is real.

The door opens and there they are: the Dreamies. Even Mark and Donghyuck are here, though they live in another dorm, Chenle hanging off Mark’s arm, already yelling. Renjun is standing in the front, smile stretched across his face like he’s welcoming him to a sleepover. Jisung is in the back, next to Jeno.

Jeno, who’s smiling quietly with his half-moon eyes, who’s the only one holding back a little in the screaming and shouting as everyone tries to hug him at once, and Jaemin mentally thanks him for it.

When the others calm down a little Mark takes Jaemin’s suitcase and Renjun ushers him inside. They are asking questions – _how have you been, did you bring snacks, is it okay if I put my stuff in your room_ – and Jaemin doesn’t find the energy to answer any of them.

This is it. This is moving back in. This is coming back after a whole year to find everything the same, everything altered.

He’s had the chance to think it through. Could have told SM that this life was too much for him, for his health, and could have terminated the contract in favour of a quieter life. But he’d thought about standing on stage with all those fans there to see them, thought of every ‘Yo Dream!’ that Mark’s ever shouted, thought of the very first time he’d met Jeno back when they were just kids with dreams so big they couldn’t comprehend them.

There wasn’t much of a decision to be made, and now he’s here. He’s never really been the quiet type anyway.

 

 

He’s come to the dorm last week to drop off some of his stuff and has visited practice, but it’s different when you know you’re staying. It’s different when your manager picks you up at home, when your mum pulls you into a hug that lasts way too long for your age, when the same bunch of guys greet you that you’ve grown up with but they still seem so weird.

It makes Jaemin feel a little like a stranger. The dorm is superficially the same but there are details. New decorations. Jisung has different bedsheets and is much taller now, with a new sharpness in his features that makes Jaemin think he’s missed a hundred years of his lifetime.

And he gets his own room. A year ago he used to share with Renjun and Jeno, and he doesn’t know if he should be grateful or feels excluded.

And in a way, it’s easy to settle back in. It’s not like they didn’t stay in contact, it was just that the others were always busy and Jaemin couldn’t leave the house much. But there have been texts. Calls. Sometimes Jeno would even facetime him, barging into the others’ rooms and making them say hello, but more often than not, Jaemin took one look at his tired eyes and sent him off to sleep.

More often than not, Jaemin just couldn’t take it.

That’s what it was. Looking at the others from afar, watching them go through this life that used to be his path, too, trying to stifle the envy when there was really nothing he could do about it.

And now it’s his again. Jaemin thinks about it when he’s lying in his new bed, with all the noises around him that he has to get used to, the scent of a different laundry detergent clinging to his sheets. Somewhere in the other rooms are the kids that he loves, that know him, that he missed so much he couldn’t bring himself to visit.

Maybe this will be okay. This can be home again.

 

 

No one wants to say it but everyone has changed. Jaemin has, too, but not in the same way. Sure, he’s taller now, his voice lower, his face a bit more mature, but between the others he feels small. They are professionals while Jaemin feels like a freshly debuted rookie again, and it’s hard, to keep up, when he’s missed a whole year of experience.

He tries not to be a liability. Stays behind in the practice studio. Tries to ignore how the others seem so far ahead while he’s still fighting for his stamina to build, fighting sleep and fighting aching muscles, always fighting something.

No one wants to say it but everyone knows it, anyway. They encourage him where they can but that just makes Jaemin feel worse, just confirms his worry that he isn’t as good as them, not good enough to keep up.

That’s what he thinks about when he’s braced over the practice room floor, struggling to get up when his legs feel like lead and with a strain in his back that gives him anxiety because it’s so similar to what there used to be.

Of course it’s Jeno who finds him like this. Always Jeno, who can be quiet and gentle, who was a source of strength even back then, when Jaemin’s back first started being a real problem.

‘Mark sent me to get you,’ Jeno says and Jaemin smiles because that’s a lie. Mark’s in the 127 dorm and probably has no idea of what the Dreamies are up to at night. Jeno must know that Jaemin knows, but Jaemin doesn’t call him out because even if Jeno doesn’t say it out loud it’s nice to know that he cares.

Jaemin lets Jeno pull him up and they walk back to the dorms in relative silence. They’ve done this a thousand times, ever since they were kids. The buildings around them are so familiar, the chicken joint at the corner, the convenience stores where they would buy ice cream in summer and hot chocolate in winter. Sometimes Jeno would put his arms around Jaemin’s shoulders and sometimes Jaemin would slip his hand into Jeno’s and when the others were there Donghyuck would say, ‘Jeno and Jaemin in their own world again,’ like he wasn’t practically attached to Mark. And Jeno would grin bashfully but he would never let go, no matter how sticky Jaemin’s skin was.

Jaemin wants that back. That old easiness with everyone, like he was never gone. But a whole year is impossible to ignore when there are awkward moments at dinner when everyone’s laughing about an insider that Jaemin doesn’t understand. Other times Jaemin catches Renjun looking at him with that soft fondness of his before he comes to hug him, saying ‘our Jaeminnie’ into his shoulder. They all treat him like a puppy, all new and familiar at once, laughing at his mistakes and cheering him on, glad that he’s back even though it’s a little difficult sometimes. They give him so much attention, like they have to make up for a whole year of absence and even though Jaemin appreciates it, it makes him feel so misplaced, too.  

‘If you want extra practice, just ask me, okay?’ Jeno says quietly, knocking his shoulder against Jaemin’s. ‘I don’t mind.’

Jaemin doesn’t want to play favourites; it’s not a secret that he gets along with pretty much anyone and all of the Dreamies are more or less his best friends, but Jeno’s always been something else. Always the most fun to tease, the best one to hug. The first one Jaemin would seek out when he had something important to say. Jaemin has been the same for Jeno, he knows. They never had to put a name to it because it was never relevant when they both knew, anyway.

And then Jaemin had to leave, had to be scared that he’d lose that extra closeness. It had hurt to watch Jeno from afar. He didn’t watch the We Young MV until weeks later, couldn’t watch their first win for My First and Last because just thinking of it, of NCT Dream moving on without him, of doing _great_ without him, sent him into a spiral of jealousy and loneliness and want. It was too much, too much ache, too much longing, too much of everything he couldn’t have.

All of that had been stupid. He’d never lose Jeno. They know too many embarrassing things about each other to ever grow apart. It’s just that they’ve grown up, too.

‘You don’t need to worry,’ Jeno says, misinterpreting Jaemin’s silence. ‘The fans love you no matter what.’

‘I was really scared they would forget me,’ Jaemin admits. His breath is a white puff in the cold winter air and he walks a little closer to Jeno.

‘They would never.’

‘I was also scared you guys would forget me.’

Jeno glances at Jaemin, expression soft, before taking his hand. ‘How could we?’

They walk the rest of the way like this and Jaemin’s steps feel a little lighter.

 

 

It’s the day of the comeback stage for Go. Jaemin tells himself he belongs here over and over again, like a mantra. SM wanted him back. They could have cut him so easily, could have let him go like they did with Hansol, but they didn’t.

It’s just hard. To find the right camera at pre-recording. To not let the anxiety get the best of him. The sleep deprivation of the past few weeks is trying to catch up on him but he pushes it away, pushes himself harder, pushes forward, the others and the staff a muted swarm around him.

Jeno comes to find him when he’s practicing his parts in an empty corner of the waiting room. ‘You’ll do well.’

Easy to say for him. Jeno the dance prodigy, who kept his centre in Black on Black, who got so much better in the past year that Jaemin’s not sure if he’ll ever catch up with him again.

But Jaemin isn’t a pessimist despite all the times life tempted him to turn bitter, so he nods. ‘Let’s do well.’

They practice the rest together.

 

 

Jaemin does do well, according to the others. There are always a few regrets but he’s not really sure about them because everything rushes by in a series of blurry snapshots, like a flip-book, too fast to catch on a specific frame. When they are finally back at the dorm the adrenaline and excitement fall off of him and the exhaustion hits him like a train wreck, so he goes to bed quickly before he crashes in the living room like Chenle.

It doesn’t help much. The fatigue is tearing at his bones like extra weight but he’s too wired to fall asleep. Moments of today keep coming back in flashes of colour – did he make a mistake there? Couldn’t his movements have been a little sharper? Shouldn’t he have practiced a bit more?

It’s impossible to sleep like this, especially with the pressure of knowing that he only has four hours until the first alarm rings.

He forces himself to get up, drags himself across the hallway and into the next room. It’s dark and mostly quiet apart from Renjun’s soft snoring. Jaemin hesitates only briefly before he climbs into Jeno’s bed, trying not to wake him, but Jeno stirs anyway, squints at him with a quiet ‘huh?’ before making space for Jaemin.

This used to be normal, too, especially when they were younger. This kind of life gets hard for everyone at some point but when you’re just a kid and miss your family, crawling into bed with your best friend is the sensible thing to do. And Jaemin has always been touchy, everyone knows that, so he never really stopped doing it. The others never really minded. Donghyuck is like that, too, and sometimes even Jisung. (Though Jisung doesn’t really have a choice because they all baby him one way or another.)

So it’s not really a surprise when Jeno pulls him closer until they are tangled in each other, but it’s been a while. Jaemin thought maybe they were too old for this now but he should have known that things like this stay the same. It probably doesn’t look any different in the 127 dorm.

It’s not really a surprise but when Jeno touches his cheek and murmurs, ‘Please never get sick again,’ it still feels like one.

 

 

One day they are all sitting in one of the lounges at SM, waiting for the hyungs to come back to film something, and Jaemin watches them fool around instead of joining in like usual. He’s mostly got used to this again, this life and the others, and the difference between them has shrunk but Jaemin can’t get over some of the changes. They’ve all gone and shifted while Jaemin was gone, just like that in what feels like the blink of an eye.

Jisung’s face isn’t as squishable anymore and his new height gives him more power than he should be allowed to have. Donghyuck’s changed, too, swapped baby fat for tight jeans and an intensity that wasn’t there before. Mark is still Mark, just older. More mature. Still done with everything. Chenle changed like Jisung, if more subtle, and grew into his face. He’s still loud and impulsive and funny, but he doesn’t look like a baby anymore. Still just a boy, but not as young. Like Renjun, who Jaemin thinks is more handsome than he remembers.

And then there’s Jeno. Jaemin looks at him now where he’s sitting cross-legged on the floor, looks at his strong shoulders and his sharp jawline and his broad chest, and asks himself, ‘When the hell did we grow up?’

Jeno looks up at him, smiles and Jaemin feels the throwback like a physical blow, all those times that the same smile has been directed at him, always the same smile.

Jeno beckons Jaemin closer and Jaemin sits down next to him, shoulders bumping.

‘Why are you so quiet?’ Jeno asks.

Jaemin shrugs. ‘Just thinking.’

‘Well, that’s new.’

Jeno laughs and Jaemin can’t really bring himself to slap him, so he just pushes until Jeno tips over a little. Jeno pulls him down with him, so they are half lying, half sitting on top of each other.

‘Get off me,’ Jeno says with a giggle, weakly trying to escape, but Jaemin wraps his arms around him. In a way, Jeno has always been his. And that’s okay because the fans like it, too, so Jaemin doesn’t have to hold back even when the cameras are rolling. Jeno is always more reluctant when they’re live and sometimes even when they aren’t but it just makes Jaemin try harder. If Jeno really didn’t want this he’d say so.

‘Look at them,’ Donghyuck says, prodding his foot into Jaemin’s side. ‘In their own little world again.’

Just like always.

 

 

‘Hey,’ Jeno says, padding across the room to join Jaemin where he’s lying on his bed. ‘What are you up to?’

‘Reading comments for Go.’ Jaemin holds his phone, so that Jeno can see. Jeno scrolls down a little, hand half wrapped around Jaemin’s.

There are a lot of comments in foreign languages, mostly English, and sometimes just their names. Things like ‘OMG MARK’ or keyboard smashes and ‘THEIR RAP I’M SCREAMING’ but Jaemin feels their enthusiasm anyway. It makes him happy. He’s been reading these comments every time he feels a little down and they remind him that his place is here, in this dorm, on that stage, between the other Dreamies. Next to Jeno.

Jaemin has been thinking a lot about him. Jeno is eighteen now and Jaemin is seventeen and even though nothing about their friendship has changed, other things did. It’s what happens when you grow up, Jaemin figures. You learn things. Notice things that have always been there but have just now become significant. Jaemin knows Jeno inside out, has seen him in any emotional state, has seen him cry and laugh and cough up a strawberry he’d accidentally inhaled, but looking at him feels new now. Because some things do change, even the way you view your best friend.

Looking at him when they’re laying this close doesn’t make Jaemin nervous per se, but his heart still flutters a little. It doesn’t come as a surprise to Jaemin; a part of him must have guessed this would happen someday. Jeno had always been something else to him after all. And it’s fine, really. Jaemin is fine with this, even though sometimes when he can’t sleep it aches a bit. When he indulges himself. He’s never tried to fight these feelings because he knew this was coming, it was unavoidable, but it’s still a little regretful. How there’s always something he can’t have.

‘Ah, Na Jaemin is so handsome,’ Jeno says, eyes still glued to the screen. ‘I’ve missed him so much I could cry.’

‘Where’s that?’ Jaemin asks, shuffling a little closer.

‘Nowhere. That’s what I would comment.’

Jaemin looks at Jeno but he’s looking anywhere but at him which means he isn’t joking and Jaemin’s heart doubles in size. ‘You think I’m handsome?’

Jeno glances at him briefly, gesturing around with his other hand. ‘You just went and grew up. I mean, you’re still kind of the same but you’re not a baby anymore. So now you’re… yeah.’

Jaemin gets it because he’s had the same thoughts for the past months. He just didn’t expect others to think the same way about him but of course they would. If Jaemin can see the differences in them after his absence, they must be clear to them, too.

‘Mhm, I’m taller than you now,’ Jaemin says and grins.

‘Like, two millimetres,’ Jeno says.

‘More like an inch –‘

‘And I’m stronger.’

‘Fair enough.’

Jeno keeps scrolling, reading out things like ‘remember when Jisung looked like a baby bunny’ and ‘Jeno is too powerful’ and lots of stuff along the lines of ‘I’m so glad Jaemin is back’. Eventually Jeno takes the phone and throws it somewhere on the mattress.

‘I was worried you’d change,’ Jeno says quietly, resting his cheek on his arms, squishing up his face. ‘You know, that’d you’d come back and we wouldn’t get along anymore or something.’

‘Really? But we texted all the time.’

‘Yeah, but people are different in real life. I was thinking like, what if you don’t like us anymore? What if you turned into one of those snobby kids?’

‘You really thought I’d ever do that?’

‘Maybe I panicked a bit. But still. It’s good you didn’t change like that.’

‘For the record, you changed, too.’

‘Yeah?’

‘Mhm. Not gonna lie, you’re kind of hot now.’

Jeno sniggers, hiding his face in the crook of his elbow until Jaemin’s prodding coaxes him out again. There’s a faint blush on his cheekbones and Jaemin’s immensely satisfied with that reaction. ‘You can’t just say things like that.’

‘It’s true, though,’ Jaemin says. ‘We all grew up. And you’re getting buff, don’t think I didn’t notice. But you’re still a baby.’

Jaemin throws his arm and his leg over Jeno, snuggling closer until they’re flush against each other, a little overcome by the wave of affection that so often threatens to drown him. ‘Still my baby.’

‘I’m older than you,’ Jeno reminds him, voice muffled where his mouth is pressed against Jaemin’s sweater. He nudges Jaemin a little and they shuffle around until they’ve found a position that’s comfortable for both of them.

‘I don’t care,’ Jaemin says. He cranes his neck a little until he can press a kiss to Jeno’s temple which he unsuccessfully tries to deflect with a longsuffering sound.

Jaemin’s missed this. Being affectionate with the others. There’s always someone who’ll hug you back, even when not everyone will let themselves be smooched. And even though Jeno pretends to hate the kisses, he never pushes Jaemin away and that’s really all the encouragement Jaemin needs.

So maybe it’s fine that things changed. They didn’t change enough to break anything and if it’s all Jaemin gets he’ll stay in this bubble forever. It’s cool as long as Jeno is his best friend.

‘Do you think dinner’s ready?’ Jeno asks.

‘Someone’s making dinner?’

‘Mhm. Jaehyun-hyung came over a while ago.’ Jeno turns a little to look at him. ‘Seriously, how long have you been holed up in here?’

Jaemin tries to shrug, which is a little awkward to achieve in his position. ‘A while, I guess.’

Jeno sits up, pulling Jaemin with him and off the bed. ‘Come on, let’s check.’

Dinner is, in fact, not ready and checking was a grave mistake because both of them get roped into helping. Jaemin doesn’t really mind, though; he likes being around the others. Likes sitting next to Jeno while they chop vegetables and peel potatoes. Jeno catches him looking more than once but he always smiles back.

 

 

Sometimes it’s Jeno who can’t sleep. He comes into Jaemin’s room at varying times of the night, slips under the covers and falls asleep there. Or sometimes he doesn’t, sometimes Jaemin waits for his breathing to even out but it never does. Jaemin wants to know what’s wrong but every time he asks Jeno waves him off.

Jaemin lets him. It’s nice to not sleep alone and the others all remember this from before Jaemin got sick.

It’s one of those nights again, except this time Jeno didn’t even try sleeping in his own bed, just followed Jaemin straight to his room. Jaemin gave him a questioning look but Jeno just shrugged apologetically.

‘What is it?’ Jaemin asks into the dark. They’ve been trying to sleep but Jaemin feels like Jeno’s waiting for something. It’s not really getting easier to hide his feelings, either, when Jeno’s always this close and so, so lovely.

‘Nothing,’ Jeno says. ‘Does this bother you? That I sleep here, I mean.’

‘Huh, no, of course not. But is something wrong?’

‘Not really.’

‘What’s that mean?’

‘Stages make me anxious lately. I mean, it’s fine, really, I still like it, but I can’t... It’s – it’s easier to fall asleep with you there.’

‘That’s so sweet, oh my –‘

Jeno slaps his chest lightly. ‘Shut up.’

‘Honestly, though. You don’t need to be nervous.’

‘I know. I just am. I’m glad when we get a break from promos.’

Jaemin absently wonders if the end of promotions will mean that Jeno will return to his own room. Not that it matters. If he does, Jaemin will probably just follow him.

‘We should sleep,’ he says. Jeno shuffles closer until he wraps a tentative arm around Jaemin’s waist and as familiar as it is, it still hurts a little bit. It hurts how much Jaemin wants Jeno to be alright. How much he wants to turn around and look at Jeno’s barely illuminated face and kiss him just once without being scared.

‘What about you?’ Jeno asks quietly. Jaemin can feel his breath on his nape, warm and tickling. ‘What’s wrong with you?’

‘Nothing.’ Maybe Jeno is more perceptive than Jaemin gives him credit for. But he can hardly tell him, hey, it’s really difficult to only think platonic thoughts about you when you look like this.

‘You’re kinda quiet now, you know.’

‘We’re not kids anymore.’

‘But you can still tell me everything. I mean, if you want to. I won’t push you, I just… want you to know that.’

‘Oh. Thanks.’ Jaemin pushes back against Jeno’s chest and Jeno’s hold around him tightens. This is good enough, Jaemin thinks, feeling the rise and fall of Jeno’s quiet breathing, the warmth that’s radiating off of him. This will always be the best, even as just friends.

 

 

With June comes the first really hot day of summer. The AC is constantly on in the dorm but someone left a window open, letting the heat seep into the room before Renjun closed it.

They are all in the dorm, even Donghyuck who came over to study with them, all spread out in the living room between text books, papers and prep exams. The mood is accordingly dim despite the blinding sunshine outside.

At some point Donghyuck suggests someone should go buy ice cream and even though that would mean a break from reading the same paragraphs over and over, no one really wants to step outside and be choked to death by the humidity.

Jeno suggests Jisung as the maknae should go, but Jisung retaliates with a game of rock paper scissors which Jaemin and Jeno lose.

Well, technically Jaemin loses but he refuses to suffer alone which is why they are currently walking down the street to the nearest convenience store. They’ve been outside for maybe two minutes but Jaemin can already feel sweat running down his spine, his tank top sticking to his chest. Jeno isn’t faring any better.

They finally reach their destination, quickly escaping into its air-conditioned heaven.

‘I’m dying,’ Jeno says, bracing himself over the freezer that’s standing close to the till. A bunch of kids are discussing snack choices in one of the narrow isles but otherwise the store is quiet.

‘Don’t be so dramatic,’ Jaemin says, pushing Jeno off the thick plastic screen to open it. ‘Do you remember what everyone wanted?’

‘Did we even ask? Whatever. They should be grateful we’re making that sacrifice.’

Jaemin laughs and picks out two boxes of mixed ice creams. ‘Should we just take this? It’s cheap.’

‘Sure. Hey, remember these?’ Jeno points at the watermelon ice cream. ‘We used to eat these all the time.’

‘Wanna buy some?’

Jeno makes a face. ‘We’d have to buy them for everyone.’

‘Not if they don’t know that we bought them.’

Jeno’s expression changes into one of glee and Jaemin can’t help but grin wider.

 

 

This is really all Jaemin could ask for: standing in the shadows of a tall building, licking the sticky sweetness of melted ice cream off his fingers, with Jeno next to him flicking the hem of his shirt in a desperate attempt to cool down at least a little. Jaemin doesn’t like dying of heatstroke, but he likes being warm and the scent of baked concrete and fruit remind him of the summers when they were trainees.

Every summer Jeno looks a little different. With last year missed out on, the changes are even more striking to Jaemin now, watching Jeno from the side. He’s so grown up, an actual eighteen year old boy instead of the skinny kid he used to be, his sun-kissed skin in contrast to the dark hair that’s falling over his eyes. But there’s still so much that hasn’t changed: his crescent eyes, the same boxy smile, the two moles on the side of his face, his stupidly nice hands, the way he says, ‘Jaemin-ah.’ Still so much the Jeno Jaemin grew up with and yet all new. It’s easy to fall in love with him, Jaemin thinks. So easy that it’s sort of astonishing it didn’t happen earlier. (Then again, maybe it would have if Jaemin had been around.)

‘We should hurry back,’ Jeno says, lifting the plastic bag with the other ice cream. He looks a little flustered and Jaemin wonders if he’s been staring again. ‘Otherwise this will be a mess.’

‘We’ll just stick it in our freezer for a moment,’ Jaemin says but pushes off the wall he was leaning against. Despite the heat Jeno walks close to him, shoulders bumping and hands brushing, and Jaemin wants to stay in this moment forever. He wants to take Jeno’s hand. Wants to know if Jeno tastes like watermelon and childhood memories now.

‘If you keep spacing out you’ll get hit by a car,’ Jeno says, dragging Jaemin closer by the wrist. His hand is damp with sweat but Jaemin doesn’t care. It’s not different from any time they touched after practice, really.

Jeno doesn’t let go until they are back at the dorm and he needs his other hand to open the door. The others greet them with lazy cheers, Renjun starfishing on the floor, Jisung half asleep on the couch. Donghyuck is using one of his papers as a makeshift fan.

Jeno dumps the plastic bag on the floor, the others awakening from their daze to get into action like starved vultures.

‘This is not what I asked for,’ Donghyuck says, pulling out the box.

‘We don’t care,’ Jaemin says, sitting down on the floor. ‘You get what you get.’

There’s a hand on Jaemin’s shoulder as Jeno sinks down next to him. ‘Maybe if you wanted special treatment you should have been a little nicer.’

‘I’m _always_ nice, you little –‘

They don’t study much more after this.

 

 

‘It’s too hot to live,’ Jeno complains, sprawled over the floor. ‘Just kill me now.’

Jaemin almost reminds him that maybe it would be cooler if Jeno took his legs off Jaemin’s thighs but he doesn’t really want to lose contact. He doesn’t mind the heat as much anyway.

They are in the 127 dorm since the AC of their own had given up. The room doesn’t feel air-conditioned, though, because Taeyong is in control of the temperature and refuses to turn it all the way up because ‘I don’t want anyone to get sick’. Jaemin thinks it’s stupid, but it’s really all the others who suffer.

‘It’s not even that bad,’ Jaemin says, turning his head to find Jeno already looking at him.

‘For you maybe,’ Jeno replies. ‘Because you run on heat like a lizard or something.’

‘Just say I’m hot and go.’

‘You already know that, though.’

‘What?’

Jeno blinks, refuses to meet Jaemin’s eyes. It’s cute somehow. Jaemin has no problem with eye-contact, sometimes doesn’t even notice when he’s been looking at someone for too long, but Jeno still gets shy on occasion. ‘You know you’re good looking, don’t lie.’

‘It’s different when it’s you saying that.’

‘Huh? Why?’

‘I mean, you guys,’ Jaemin backtracks quickly. ‘Of course fans think that but you have no reason to. You see me every day in various states of disaster.’

‘You’re always handsome,’ Jeno says quietly. He’s staring at the ceiling now and the atmosphere in the room changes. The mischievous part of Jaemin wants to tease Jeno, wants him to splutter and try to talk his way out of this, but the bigger part wants to know if this means something. From the kitchen he can hear Mark and Donghyuck fighting about something, like always, and then Taeyong’s wasted attempt to conciliate. The AC whirrs, the fridge ticks, somewhere else someone is singing the same line over and over again. Jaemin’s heart beats against his Adam’s apple.

‘Did you mean that?’ he asks.

Jeno just hums, eyes now closed. He looks indifferent like this, face devoid of any expression that could give anything away.

Jaemin reaches out and takes Jeno’s hand. This is normal; he can downplay this if he needs to. Jeno doesn’t open his eyes but he links his fingers with Jaemin’s anyway.

Jaemin breathes out slowly. He wants to cross that line so badly. Wants to throw common sense out the window just to know what it would feel like to kiss Jeno.

But he doesn’t. There’s too much on the line, six years of memories, of friendship, and deep down even Jaemin is a coward. He’d rather keep his best friend even if that means to never know what love tastes like. There are too many risks because even if Jeno liked him back, what if he stopped? Things would get awkward, being in the same group and all.

It’s just the longer this continues the harder it gets to hide. To keep control. He’s almost eighteen now and he feels both young and old with the freshness and weight of these feelings. It would be stupid to act on them. So he doesn’t.

 

 

But it’s so, so difficult sometimes. Jaemin thinks one day it’s going to drive him to the brink of a breakdown and it might as well be now because they’re in a recording studio by themselves and Jeno’s singing a melody Jaemin made.

It’s a little magic. They have a lot of amazing vocalists in NCT and Jeno might not be the best of them but there’s something here. Something about the rawness of his voice when it’s unedited and without filter or restraint. Jeno is singing the same lines over and over again because Jaemin hasn’t written much else yet, looking at Jaemin for suggestions every now and then but all Jaemin can do is nod and smile because this – this is what it’s like to be in love with Lee Jeno. And it makes him so proud, listening to the song he created all by himself in the voice of the person he loves most. There’s nothing better. There can’t be.

‘Maybe we should have Taeil-hyung sing the guide,’ Jeno says after clearing his throat.

‘No,’ Jaemin says. ‘I think you should sing it. This is your song.’

It is. Jaemin wrote it thinking of Jeno’s vocals, of Jeno’s passion. He tried to make it fit his pitch and it does. It’s perfect in a way only unpolished things can be.

‘Technically it’s _your_ song,’ Jeno replies. ‘Come over here and sing it with me?’

So maybe there is something better. Maybe it’s singing a self-composed melody with your best friend instead of just listening, smiling at each other because it’s not a little magic but a lot. There’s no one here to correct Jaemin’s harmonies and no one to adjust the volume and no one to sort out the layering but they don’t need that. They just need each other.

 

 

Another night in the same bed, pressed against each other because sometimes that’s the only way they can sleep. It’s been an exhausting day, an exhausting month, really, but all Jaemin can think about is what Jeno looked like on stage today. Fierce, strong, charismatic. Nothing like the soft boy who handed Jaemin a bowl of cereal with a kind smile later in the day. That duality is going to kill him at some point. Jeno’s always had stage presence but it feels different now – it’s different when you’re suddenly in love with him. Though, Jaemin thinks, it’s not suddenly at all. Maybe it’s always been there, lurking, waiting for the right time. Waiting for them to grow up. Jeno is still Jeno, Jaemin’s biggest source of strength and his best friend because despite everything that’s changed, this hasn’t.

Jeno knows Jaemin like the back of his hand. Had been there for every embarrassing moment in his teenage life, up until he had to leave. And even then, Jeno tried as hard as he could.

So Jaemin can trust him, he figures. Trust him to not make this awkward. Jaemin just needs to say it out loud once, needs to know that it’s out there, out of his system, so that this nagging feeling will leave him alone.

‘Jeno.’ But Jaemin can’t say it. With Jeno so close and the silence to thick, all the words do is clog up his throat.

‘Hm?’ Jaemin can feel the sound rumble in Jeno’s chest where his ear is pressed against his sternum. So close, everything he wants. Maybe he doesn’t have to say it out loud after all. Maybe Jeno’s known all along.

‘What is it?’ Jeno asks.

‘Nothing.’

Maybe Jeno feels Jaemin’s slight unease because he pulls him impossibly closer, despite the warmth. ‘S’okay. Tell me tomorrow.’

Jaemin breathes in, Jeno’s scent in his nose, still so familiar. Really, he doesn’t know what he’s scared of. ‘Okay.’

 

 

It’s 6:30 in the morning, sun already glaring, and the dorm is hectic. The manager is scolding Jisung for something which is in vain because Jisung doesn’t listen when he’s still half asleep. Chenle is passed out on the living room couch, undoubtedly the manager’s next victim and Jaemin would smile about it if he wasn’t so tired. He goes to the bathroom instead, Jeno in tow, passing Renjun who looks the most awake out of everyone, already annoyed.

Jaemin closes the door behind Jeno and grabs his toothbrush.

They don’t talk. Waking up is a slow process and it’s kind of useless, too, when they are going to sleep more in the car on the way to the schedule anyway. They are just going through the motions, saving as much energy as they can.

Jaemin catches Jeno’s eyes in the mirror.

‘Do you wanna shower first?’ Jeno asks.

Jaemin shrugs. ‘Sure.’

He waits for Jeno to leave but he takes his sweet time putting his toothbrush away and washing his face. He straightens back up, glancing at Jaemin. He looks more awake now but his eyes are still swollen from fatigue and Jaemin fights the urge to hug him.

‘What did you want to tell me yesterday?’

‘Oh.’ Jaemin looks down at his hands. ‘It was nothing.’

‘You sure?’

Jeno’s still looking at him and won’t look away, not even when Jaemin holds his gaze. Maybe they are both too tired to function properly. After all, everything feels a little fuzzy around the edges, a little less real. Maybe that’s why Jaemin has a sudden surge of courage, or maybe it’s just stupidity; it’s kind of hard to tell right now.

Whatever it is, he leans forward, pressing his mouth to Jeno’s. It’s nothing, just a light touch of lips but Jaemin’s heart nearly explodes because – this is Jeno. He’s kissing Lee Jeno, in their bathroom at an ungodly hour when they are supposed to hurry up. It’s all wrong except it isn’t because all Jaemin can think about is that this is somehow perfect.

He pulls back. Jeno stares at him for a moment, flushed and speechless, before Jaemin leaves the bathroom as quickly as he can.

 

 

They don’t really have time to talk for the rest of the day and Jaemin’s glad for it. He can feel Jeno’s eyes on him whenever he crosses the room and once they have to sit next to each other on the stairs for a group selfie, Jeno’s hand heavy on his shoulder. Jeno constantly looks like he’s about to ask him something, but Jaemin knows he’s not reckless enough to do it in front of other people.

Still, Jaemin can’t bring himself to regret it. He feels lighter now and even if Jeno wants to be just friends no one can take away that memory. No one can erase that brief blissful feeling of Jeno’s soft lips against his, even if it was barely a second. It was enough. It was just right.

Jaemin knows he can’t run away from the confrontation forever. He knows it when they come back to the dorm, Jisung making a beeline for the bathroom to shower first like the little lovable brat he is, Renjun digging through the fridge for a late snack. He knows it’s coming and he won’t take anything back, so he doesn’t even try to escape. Jeno follows him to his room, closing the door behind him, and then just stands there, looking lost and honestly a little overwhelmed.

Jaemin sits down on his bed, waiting for Jeno to say something, trying to ignore how fast his heart is beating.

‘Okay, so,’ Jeno says, inspecting the wardrobe to the left. ‘Did you kiss me because you like me or because that’s just what you do?’

That’s not what Jaemin expected. He thought it would be more along the lines of ‘what the hell were you thinking?’

But Jeno’s giving him an out. Jaemin could save himself the embarrassment but he doesn’t really want to. He’s tempted for about a second, thinking maybe Jeno wants him to backtrack, but he won’t. He’s not sorry.

‘Because I like you,’ he says. It’s so much easier to say out loud than he thought. Maybe because it’s so natural, so normal, like it’s always been somewhere inside him. _Of course I like you._

Jeno bites his bottom lip in adorable confusion. ‘You mean, _like_ like?’

‘Yeah.’

They look at each other for a moment, Jaemin searching Jeno’s face for an answer. It’d be easier for him to be rejected right away because with every passing second his heart hurts a little more. Jaemin thought he would be okay if Jeno said no but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s being completely vulnerable right now and it’s terrifying. By the time Jeno steps forward it feels like his heart is trying to break his collarbones.

‘Cool,’ Jeno breathes out, sitting down next to Jaemin, so close that their shoulders and thighs are touching.

‘Cool? What does that mean?’

Jeno doesn’t say anything and Jaemin notices that his hands are trembling. ‘I don’t know how to do this.’

‘Do what?’

It’s quiet again for a while and Jaemin tries to find the right words to just ask Jeno what he thinks of this but then Jeno blindly reaches for Jaemin’s hand and almost inaudibly says, ‘Nana. Can you kiss me again?’

In a way, it’s very them. Jaemin has always been bolder, always the extrovert between the two of them. Jeno used to be way more shy than he is now, but still. He was always the puzzle piece Jaemin was missing, that he’d been missing so _much_ in the year of his absence. It’s so them and that’s what Jaemin thinks about before he even realises what Jeno’s just asked him.

A wave of belated nervousness hits Jaemin and he almost laughs as a stress reaction. Instead he turns to Jeno who looks up at him with his deer eyes that always catch the light in some stupid magical way. He looks genuinely scared but Jaemin is, too, he really has no idea what he’s doing, but he closes the distance between them anyway.

It lasts longer this time. Jaemin’s careful and Jeno’s hesitant, so it’s just a brush of lips again, just them figuring out how this all works, but Jaemin feels faint with how perfect this is. At some point Jeno’s other hand comes up to cup Jaemin’s face, getting a little braver.

When they eventually pull apart they are both out of breath.

Jaemin is the first to find his words, even though he’s not sure he’s audible over the thrashing of his heartbeat. ‘Does that mean you like me, too?’

‘Yes, you idiot.’ Jeno licks his lips and Jaemin almost kisses him again. ‘But I’m – scared. I mean, how will this work?’

Jaemin shrugs. ‘We’re best friends first, right? We can figure this out. If you want to.’

‘Yeah, I – yeah.’

Jaemin can’t suppress the smile any longer. This is what happiness is, he thinks, watching Jeno laugh giddily with his half-moon eyes. He’s so in love with him it’s stupid.

‘Well, if you want this to work you have to stop kissing other people, though,’ Jeno says when they manage to pull themselves back together.

Jaemin laughs. ‘Are you jealous?’

Jeno shrugs. ‘There were occasions when I thought you had a crush on Renjun or Jisung.’

‘Jisung?! _Gross_ , he’s like my baby brother. Which is also why I can’t just stop kissing him. I only kiss _you_ on the mouth, anyway.’

‘Fine.’

Jaemin throws himself at Jeno, tackling him on the bed to hug him. Jeno makes a squeaky noise of surprise but wraps his arms around Jaemin, too, and he doesn’t let go.

 

 

‘How long have you liked me?’ Jaemin asks later that day when the happiness-induced goofiness has worn off a little and it’s easier to talk instead of laugh again.

‘Always kind of,’ Jeno says. ‘I figured something was off when you left but it really hit me when you came back. I didn’t realise how much we changed.’

‘We didn’t change _that_ much.’

‘The important things didn’t.’

The friendship. The connection. The fact that they complete each other. Jaemin gets it.

‘Are you saying my new maturity and your revelation for your feelings for me aren’t important?’ Jaemin asks. Jeno blushes a little, rolling his eyes. It’s just so easy. To tease him. To make him laugh, or to exasperate him. Really, Jaemin’s not completely sure why the hell Jeno likes him back.

‘What maturity?’ Jeno quips, bumping their foreheads together. ‘Also I’m still older.’

Jaemin could count Jeno’s eyelashes now if he had the attention span and nothing better to do, like tip his mouth forward a little to kiss Jeno.

Because he can just do that now. In the confines of his room anyway. It’s going to be difficult tomorrow when they have practice and Jaemin won’t be able to coddle Jeno any more than usual.

But right now there’s no being careful. There’s no hiding anymore. Jaemin plans on using that to his advantage for the rest of day, pushing Jeno back on the bed until he can cage Jeno’s face between his elbows.

Jeno stares up at him, expression one of gentle wonder, and it almost makes Jaemin feel shy. Most times you can’t tell what he’s thinking. He’s not like Jaemin who deliberately lets his feelings show on his face. (Most of them anyway.) But this is different. Jeno’s being so open and honest and Jaemin’s drowning on affection.

‘Nana,’ Jeno says softly, snaking his arms around Jaemin’s middle to hold him close. It’s a little hard to breathe like this, chest pressed to chest, or maybe it’s just because of the intensity of the moment.

‘What.’

‘Nothing.’

‘If you wanna be my boyfriend you gotta stop keeping secrets from me.’

Jeno’s eyes widen. ‘I’m your boyfriend now?’

‘I mean, if you want to –‘

‘Yeah.’

They look at each other for a moment before Jaemin leans down to kiss him again but none of them can stop grinning. Jeno hugs him instead, hiding his face in the crook of Jaemin’s neck.

‘I’ve never been so happy,’ Jeno says.

‘Not even when you got your first win?’

‘No,’ Jeno says, touching Jaemin’s face in a way that makes his heart swell. ‘Not even then.’

 

 

Not a lot of things change after this. They still bicker, still play games all day with the others when they have time, Jeno still fake-cries whenever Jaemin makes a bad pun. Jaemin still gets impatient when Jeno hogs the bathroom for a million years and Jeno still gets annoyed when Jaemin’s being overly clingy on live shows. They still do all the things they used to do as best friends because that’s what they still are.

Except it means more now. Jeno sleeps in Jaemin’s bed almost every night and ever since Chenle caught them kissing in the kitchen once, they don’t even hide it in the dorms anymore. It increases Taeyong’s and Mark’s stress levels to an unhealthy degree and both Jeno and Jaemin fall victim to endless teasing, but at the end of the day Jaemin wouldn’t want it any other way. He gets to have Jeno close all day. Gets to back-hug him and kiss his nose and fall asleep pressed against him.

He also gets to take him out one late August evening. Even though the sun is low already and there’s a slight breeze, it’s still stiflingly hot as they make their way down the street, ice cream in hand. It’s a mirror image of that one day they had to get ice cream for everyone two months ago, except this time things are different.

This time Jaemin doesn’t have to hide the way he looks at Jeno, not that he was ever very good at that. He doesn’t have to wonder what it would be like to kiss him because he can just pull Jeno into a quiet street corner and do it.

And it’s so good. Jeno’s lips are sticky and he tastes like sugar and watermelon and every summer wish Jaemin ever had. It’s too hot to be standing so close but despite his complains earlier Jeno doesn’t push him away, just drags him closer by the waist. Every touch feels electrifying and even after weeks Jaemin can’t get used to this.

Jeno pulls away just enough to create a breath of space between them. ‘The ice cream’s going to melt.’

‘Do I look like I care?’

‘Taeyong-hyung will _know_.’

Jaemin sighs and makes a face because that’s true. When Taeyong had first found out about them there had been some terribly awkward conversations that still make Jaemin want to bleach his brain. Even now, when everyone got used to them, Taeyong insists on tormenting them with what he calls advice and Jeno calls horrific dad tendencies.

So whenever Jeno and Jaemin go anywhere for some alone time, Taeyong will question them afterwards about their activities, reminding them with crossed arms that indecency will not be tolerated since they are still just kids, like they don’t know that themselves. Every time Jaemin is tempted to laugh at Jeno’s face but he’s never any better off himself.

Jaemin lets go of Jeno, grabbing his hand instead. ‘Fine.’

‘Believe me, I wish I wasn’t right.’

‘Maybe we should go against hyung’s rules. I mean – not like _that_ , I just mean we don’t have a lot of time to ourselves in the first place, so, uh –‘

Jeno laughs. ‘You’re blushing.’

‘Whatever, you’re stupid.’

‘And yet you love me.’

Jaemin stops and Jeno’s easy smile slips off his face.

‘Yeah,’ Jaemin says. ‘I love you.’

Jeno looks at him for a moment, searching Jaemin’s face for something before he says, ‘Screw Taeyong-hyung,’ and kisses Jaemin again, this time with more courage, more heat, more passion. It’s the kind of kiss Jaemin hasn’t been brave enough to ask for, the kind of kiss that says _I’m serious about this_ , the kind of kiss that says _I’m so glad we changed when it means life can be like this._

 

 

(They come back late that day when it’s already dark outside and Taeyong is waiting in their dorm with an expression that means nothing good. This time, though, Jaemin barely hears his scolding because under the table Jeno keeps a hand on his thigh and Jaemin feels the promise in every press of his fingers. _I love you, too_.)

**Author's Note:**

> this was supposed to be like 2k but I have no self control. Sorry if there are any inaccuracies about the dorm situation or whatever, I tried my best!
> 
> also yes the title is from go. If I could tattoo that song on my forehead believe me I would.
> 
>    
> I hope you enjoyed this & thank you for reading!! <3
> 
> find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/ki_jaemjen)


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